


things you said

by nikkiRA



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Canonical Character Death, M/M, i have no original ideas, yes its based on that tumblr post
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-17
Updated: 2015-08-17
Packaged: 2018-04-15 04:56:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 22
Words: 5,851
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4593645
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nikkiRA/pseuds/nikkiRA
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>*sees a bandwagon* *jumps on it*</p>
<p>"So Remus kisses him, even though he tastes like firewhiskey. Remus kisses him, because he wants to. Remus kisses him, because that’s what they were made to do, he thinks. Sirius Black and Remus Lupin."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. at one am

**Author's Note:**

> based on that post i can't find bc i want to be included in things goddamnit. 
> 
> it's all in chronological order.

“We know what you are, Remus.”

Sirius is thirteen and confident, with white teeth that shine in the dark and a beauty that takes Remus’ breath away. Remus is twelve and afraid, constantly looking over his shoulder even though he knew the monster was inside of him.

“What does that mean?”

He knows what it means.

“You don’t have to be afraid,” Sirius says, which is ridiculous because Remus is always afraid.

“It’s one in the morning, Sirius. Whatever this is can be discussed in the morning.”

Sirius studies him calmly, but his eyes are so kind it’s almost unbearable. “I’m giving you a chance to explain on your own terms before I tell you. Are you going to, or are you going to make me say it?”

Remus is frozen. He can almost see the situation from the outside, a sad, scared little monster about to lose his friends. The next words makes him flinch, even though they shouldn’t. Even though he should be used to it. Even though it’s what he is.

“You’re a werewolf.”


	2. through your teeth

“Can’t we just take me to the hospital wing?”

"Pomfrey will forgive a lot of things, Sirius, but I don’t think drunk Quidditch after curfew is one of those things.”

“It’s okay, Sirius. My uncle is a muggle doctor. He showed me how to do this before I left for school first year. It’s easy.”

Sirius gives Remus a pleading look. “Please, Remus. Please don’t let him do it.”

James makes an angry noise. “Stop being such a girl, Sirius. Pete’s just gonna pop your shoulder back in. What’s the worst that could happen?”

“In first year you were trying to teach him _Wingardium Leviosa_ and he ended up hexing off your eyebrows, so you tell me.”

“This isn’t magic, Sirius,” Peter says, trying not to sound too hurt.

Sirius takes a deep breath and then says, “Fine. Remus, hold my hand.”

Remus balks. “Why?”

“Because,” Sirius says through gritted teeth, “this is going to hurt and you are the most comforting and, because the full moon is in a few days, you are also the strongest, so I likely won’t break your hand.”

“You are such a fucking drama queen,” James says, but Remus holds his hand anyway.

Peter pops Sirius’ shoulder back in with surprising ease. Sirius lets out a breath.

“Good job, Pete,” he says. “I guess you’re not completely incompetent.”

“Be nice,” Remus admonishes. Sirius grins at him.

“Thanks Lupin. You can let go of my hand now, though.”

Remus drops Sirius’ hand as if it were on fire and doesn’t look him in the eye for the rest of the night.


	3. with no space between us

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have no idea when sticking charms would be learned so this is somewhere in fourth year ok idk

“I can’t believe you did this.”

“It’s not my fault!”

“In what universe is this not your fault?”

“You were the one teaching me how to perform a sticking charm!”

“Yes, but you were the one who HUGGED me.”

Sirius might look ashamed – Remus can’t see his face, because Sirius had fucked something up massively and now they were stuck together in the worst hug Remus had ever experienced. Remus is glad Sirius’ face is over his shoulder where he can’t see it, because he probably looks like everything is fine and this is totally not an uncomfortable situation or anything, and Remus would probably try to punch him, which might prove difficult in their current situation.

“I just wanted to show my gratitude.”

“I don’t even know how you were able to accomplish this.”

“I am a man of many talents.”

Remus makes a very unhappy noise in the back of his throat.

“We need to find someone to reverse this.”

“Why can’t you just do it?”

“Because your hands are stuck to my back and my wand is in my front pocket which is currently inaccessible to me.”

“You don’t have to sound so mad. And stop making that noise!”

Remus makes the throat noise again. He could maybe have used Sirius’ wand, except that was stuck in Sirius’ hand right now, which was plastered to Remus’ back.

“I don’t want James to see this, he’ll make fun of me for months.”

“Maybe we could find Lily.”

“Evans! She hates me.”

“But she doesn’t hate me.”

Sirius makes a grumbling noise. “How are we supposed to walk?”

“With extreme difficulty. Now who’s making noise!” Because Sirius keeps making that grumbling noise.

They take a few tentative steps before their legs get tangled together and they topple over. Remus lands on his back with an _oomph,_ Sirius pushing down on him.

“I am five seconds away from just screaming for help.”

With a lot of difficulty they manage to stand up again.

“Maybe we should just wait for it to wear off.”

“That could take ages, Sirius.”

“I’m not that good at Charm, Remus.”

“Sure you are. You just don’t have the confidence.”

“Is Remus Lupin really lecturing me on confidence?”

Remus can’t help but smile at that. “What time does James and Peter’s detention end?”

“I don’t know. Depends on how annoying they are, probably.”

“So they’ll be there for a while, then.” Sirius laughs. After a few moments of silence he says, sounding far more – for lack of a better word – serious than Remus had expected:

“You know, if I had to get stuck with anyone, I’m glad it was you, Remus.”

Remus is completely taken aback. “Thanks, Sirius. You too.” This isn’t a technical lie, because it’s true, but it’s true because of much different reasons that he’s not even able to admit to himself.

A few more moments pass before Sirius speaks again.

“Hey Remus?”

“Yeah?” He’s expecting something uncharacteristically Sirius again. What he gets is: “I have to pee.”


	4. that i wasn't supposed to hear

He is fourteen and he is asleep in Peter’s bed. He doesn’t remember why – he thinks it might be because Peter’s bed is closest to the door, and as such the easiest to fall into. Remus is tired because he is always tired, and it would not be the first time Peter found him in his bed.

He is woken up by voices. Neither of them are Peter’s; they belong to James and Sirius, but Remus is not interested in James and Sirius right now, because they are not likely to kick him out of Peter’s bed. So he keeps quiet and tries to go back to sleep.

“Are you going to tell me what’s wrong?” This is James.

“Hang on,” Sirius says. He hear Sirius pull back a pair of curtains that he will later find out were his.

“Okay. We’re okay.”

“What has been up with you lately?” James sounds a mixture of annoyed and concerned. Remus hears Sirius let out a sigh.

“James… I can tell you anything, right?”

“Duh.”

“And you… you won’t think less of me?”

“You snogged Snape, didn’t you?”

“Fuck off. No.”

“Okay. What’s up, then?”

There is silence for a minute. Remus knows the two boys in the room well enough to know that Sirius is probably doing that thing he does when he’s nervous where he keeps clenching and unclenching his fists, and James’ patience will likely be running short.

He knows he should make himself known, that it is wrong to eavesdrop, but Sirius _has_ been acting strangely lately and Remus would be lying if he said he wasn't eager to find out why.

“I’m… I’m in love with Remus.”

There is such a deep silence that Remus would have had to hold his breath to avoid being found out, if he could remember how to breathe.

“Remus – like our Remus?”

“No, the original one. I stole a time turner from the Ministry and went to the founding of Rome and now I just can’t get him out of my head.”

“Shove your sarcasm up your ass, Black, this is serious.”

The seriousness of the situation is further demonstrated by the fact that Sirius does not demand the sickle they had decided had to be paid every time one of them said the word _serious._

“I fucking know, okay! You think I don’t know that?”

“So what are you going to do?”

“Nothing.”

“You’re not going to tell him?”

“Are you daft? Why the fuck would I do that?”

“What if something good happens?”

“Remus doesn’t like blokes, James.”

“Do we know that for a fact?”

Sirius is silent, which means he’s thinking about it. So, for that matter, is Remus.

Was he straight? Probably not, if he’s being honest. He had always thought that his fascination and admiration of Sirius was just because Sirius was so fascinating and admirable. But now that there’s another option in front of him he’s starting to think that his fascination could be driven by something else.

“You can’t tell anyone, James. Not even Peter.”

“Who else would I tell? I have three friends and a school full of people I barely tolerate on the best of days.”

Remus hears movement and imagines that James has gone to physically comfort Sirius somehow. There is more silence for a bit until Sirius says, so quietly Remus has to strain to hear, “Do you think he’d hate me, if he knew?”

James’ answer is immediate and Remus is grateful.

“Remus would never hate you, Sirius. Nothing you do could make any of us hate you.”

Remus could laugh at the incredulity of that thought. Imagine, hating Sirius Black.

“C’mon. Let’s sneak down to the kitchens. That should make you feel better.”

“James, I –” Sirius trails off, still so tentative with expressing the jumble of emotions in his chest. But James understands, just as Remus does. They are fluent in the language of Sirius Black, unspoken or otherwise: _thank you._

Remus hears a noise that could only be James’ patented sloppy forehead kiss, and then he hears a noise from deep in Sirius’ throat that means he did not appreciate said sloppy forehead kiss. And then they leave, and Remus is left to try and figure out what any of this means.


	5. when i was crying

“You’d think it was you who had gotten kicked out.” Sirius’ voice is too light to be natural. Remus can hear the shakiness even if Sirius is fighting to pretend that it’s not there.

“I’m sorry.” Remus wipes the tears away with the back of his hand. “I’m just – fuck, Sirius, I’m just _so angry.”_

They are at the Potters, sitting in what had once been the spare room but what was now exclusively Sirius’. It is summer before sixth year and Sirius has just run away. James had flooed the Lupin’s and Remus’ father had apparated him to James’ immediately.

“I’m sorry, Pads.”

Sirius shrugs. “Don’t worry Remus. It’s over now.” He lowers his voice. “She won’t – she can’t get to me anymore.”

There are still tears flowing down his cheeks, which makes him angry. He should not be the one crying right now. He should not be the one being comforted.

Sirius’ hand reaches out and cups Remus’ cheek gently, his thumb wiping away tears. His touch almost burns, and Remus loves him so much it’s painful.

“Don’t worry, Moony,” he says with a smile, and Remus can see some of the normal Sirius in that smile. “I’m not going anywhere.”


	6. too quietly

“I’m sorry.” Sirius’ voice is so quiet Remus can barely hear him. “Moony. I’m sorry.”

“You’re always sorry, Sirius.” Blood is pumping through his veins, pounding loudly in his ears, and he can feel and smell and hear everything, the sensitivity that comes after a night as the wolf, and he doesn’t want to play out this scene when everything is so much clearer. “That’s the story of our relationship. You doing something that you have to be sorry for.”

Sirius reaches out to touch him and Remus jerks back quickly, aggravating the wounds that are all over his body and causing him to hiss in pain. Sirius’ eyes look over his body, taking in the scratches and bites. He hadn’t been alone in so long, and the wolf hadn’t liked it.

Sirius is crying. For some reason this really annoys Remus.

“Moony…” Still so, so quiet, as if he didn’t want Remus to hear. “Remus –”

“Get out.”

He is loud where Sirius is quiet, angry where Sirius is sad, brash where Sirius is timid. They have switched places, the two of them, and Remus doesn’t recognize the boy in front of him. Sirius would fight; Sirius would stay and refuse to leave until they talked about it, would stand his ground until they were good again. But this is not Sirius. Not Sirius leaves, head down, and Not Remus watches him go, because neither of them are truly themselves without the other.


	7. when you were drunk

Sirius comes crashing into the dormitory with the smell of booze on his breath. Remus stares in wonder at him – it is four in the afternoon. He wishes James and Peter were here, but they were in the library, James helping Peter with an essay.

“What are you doing?” They are probably the first words he has spoken to Sirius since the incident, and Sirius stares at him with wide eyes.

“M’sorry,” he mutters. “I didn’t know you were here.”

Remus has always been in awe of Sirius’ ability to function even when he was piss drunk.

“How drunk are you?”

Sirius shrugs, one of his shoulders raising slightly higher than the other. “I dunno. Three.”

Remus has no idea what the hell that means.

“On a scale of what?”

Sirius doesn’t answer, just stares at Remus as if he is trying to memorize him. “I can go, if you want.”

Remus rubs his eyes. “This is your dormitory too, Sirius. I can’t keep you out of it.”

“Do you want to?”

“No, Sirius.”

This doesn’t seem to make Sirius feel any better, but he stumbles slightly over to his bed and then collapses into it. Remus is acutely aware of him – he doesn’t remember the last time they had been alone.

“Remus…” Sirius’ voice is quiet and slightly slurred. “Moony.”

He doesn’t know if Sirius wants anything or if he’s just saying his name. Sirius doesn’t say anything else, just lets out a long sigh.

“Are you trying to drink yourself to death?”

“It wasn’t the plan.”

“What was the plan?”

“You’ll laugh if I tell you the truth.”

“Why?”

“You’ll say I’m being overdramatic.”

“What was the plan?” He asks again.

“I wanted to forget,” Sirius says. “Just for a moment. Forget what I’d done.”

Remus is quiet for a long moment, his book long since forgotten. Then he says, because he’s been thinking about it for days – “In fourth year, you brought James up here to tell him a secret you didn’t want me to hear. You checked to make sure I wasn’t in my bed.”

Sirius is quiet. Then he says, “Did James tell you?”

“I was in Peter’s bed.”

He hears Sirius curse quietly. “I forgot you always fall asleep there.”

Remus hadn’t planned past this part, so he stays quiet.

“So you heard everything?”

“Everything.”

Sirius sighs. “I’m sorry.”

“I just – if what you said was true – if you really meant it –”

“I did,” Sirius says quietly.

“Then why did you do this?” He fights to keep his voice steady.

“I don’t know, Remus,” Sirius says, voice shaky. “I really don’t – I know that’s now what you want to hear and I know – I know – I don’t know anything,” he finishes bitterly. “Things are fucked. I fucked up and I betrayed you and I don’t even have reasoning behind why I did it.”

Remus resists the urge to ask Sirius if he has any alcohol left.

“I know that’s not what you want to hear.”

“I don’t know what I want to hear.”

Then Sirius says, so quietly Remus almost thinks he imagined it – “I still mean it, Remus.”

“Don’t – don’t say that.”

“Sorry.”

Remus can feel himself getting angry, although he isn’t sure why. He sits up, swinging his legs over the side of the bed so he can see Sirius. Sirius is lying down, looking at him.

“Stop.”

“Okay.”

Remus huffs. “You don’t even know what I’m asking you to stop doing!”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“ _Why?”_

“Because I’m willing to do anything you ask, if it means you’ll keep talking to me.”

This stops Remus in his tracks. He is tired, so tired, of keeping this up. So tired of being angry. So tired of seeing Sirius’ dejected face and convincing himself that he deserved it.

Remus gets up and crosses to Sirius’ bed, sitting beside him.

“Tell me again.”

“Tell you what?”

“Tell me that you mean it, still.”

Sirius sits up on his elbows. “Everything I said to James that day was true, and it still is.”

So Remus kisses him, even though he tastes like firewhiskey. Remus kisses him, because he wants to. Remus kisses him, because that’s what they were made to do, he thinks. Sirius Black and Remus Lupin, and Sirius grips tightly and pulls him close and Remus thinks this is way better than trying to stay mad.


	8. after you kissed me

“So you do like blokes, then?”

“Shut the fuck up and kiss me again, Sirius.”


	9. when we were the happiest we ever were

“Okay, listen. Peter and I are throwing an intervention.”

“I agree, Sirius really does have far too much hair product.”

James glares at him while Sirius says, “If you had hair as nice as mine you would understand.”

“No, stop. We are having an intervention because if we have to walk in on your two snogging one more time Pete and I are going to gouge our eyeballs out.”

Remus turns a startling shade of red, but Sirius just says, “That seems unnecessarily messy, I’m sure there’s a potion for that.”

Peter and James roll their eyes in unison.

“Listen, I get that you’re all… _horny.”_ James looks physically pained, while Remus searches for an escape route. “But you have to learn to control yourselves.”

“You’re just jealous because you only have your hand while I have –”

“Sirius, I beg you, please don’t finish that sentence,” Remus says, utterly mortified.

“Yes, please don’t,” Peter agrees.

“Look, I am really bloody happy right now, more than I think I’ve ever been, and if I want to snog Remus then I fucking will.”

Remus turns to look at Sirius so quickly he almost gives himself whiplash. Sirius’ chin is up, head tilted in defiance, and there is a spark in his eyes. Remus suddenly feels very warm.

“I know you don’t know the meaning of the word compromise, Padfoot, but you need to look it up so we can come to one.”

Sirius sighs. “I’ll tell you what. We’ll snog with the curtains closed, and we’ll start working on our Imperturbable Charms so you can’t hear. All right?”

James and Peter look immensely relieved. “Thank yo –”

“And we’ll stop snogging on your bed.”

James’ mouth drops open in horror while Sirius cackles, and Peter looks between the two of them to try and figure out if Sirius was being – well, if he was being serious or Sirius.

Remus just drops his head onto his hands and wonders how the hell he got into this position. 


	10. over the phone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i made sirius a year older so he'd be 17 here so he could technically do magic now?? i think assuming i did math right but who knows i once asked how many eighths were in a tank (there's eight)

“MOONY CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS?”

Remus’ first thought is, _fucking purebloods._

“Sirius, you don’t have to shout.”

“HOW ELSE ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO HEAR ME?”

“This isn’t how telephones work. You just speak normally and the sounds carry.”

“Oh. So I don’t have to shout?”

“No,” Remus says, trying not to sound too fond of the idiot on the other end of the line. “And I would really rather you didn’t.”

“Isn’t this great, Remus?” Even though he has technically stopped shouting, Sirius is still so excited that the volume is still enough that Remus has to hold the phone away from his ear. “James’ parents got it today, James wanted to try and call Evans to show how brilliant he was at muggle shit but I wanted to call you first so I hexed him.”

Remus rubs the bridge of his nose. Sirius was a year older and as such turned 17 before the rest of them. "It’s probably not fair to use magic against someone who cannot legally defend himself.”

Sirius makes a noise that Remus knows to mean _I don’t care about the law._ “Whatever. It was worth it, to speak to you.”

Remus turns very red and is glad his mother is not around to see him. But before he can say something in response Sirius says, “Oh, Mrs Potter reversed the jinx. He doesn’t look too happy at me. I’m not going to tell him you’re not supposed to shout, though. He’s gonna make a fool of himself when he calls Evans! Do you know there’s a book that has every single muggle number? Me and James are going to start prank phoning people. Come visit soon, you twat!” Sirius makes kissing noises into the phone that cause Remus to turn somehow redder before hanging up. 


	11. things you didn't say at all

“What happened?”

“Someone put a very strong silencing charm on him.”

“Who?”

“I don’t know. Sirius didn’t see.”

“Snape?” Peter suggests. James shakes his head.

“Too simple for Snape. Personally I think it was McG. I wouldn’t blame her.”

Sirius glares and flips James off. Remus snorts.

“So can you not reverse it?”

James shrugs. “I don’t know. I haven’t tried.”

Remus raises an eyebrow. “Why?”

James’ grin is evil. “Remember when I screamed at Lily’s dad over the phone because Sirius neglected to inform me that you don’t have to shout?”

Remus and Peter nod. Sirius is laughing quietly.

“Well, this is payback. I don’t know who hexed him, but I’m going to take advantage of it.”

Sirius mouths angrily at James. Remus can only imagine what he’s saying.

“So, right now, we have to make a pact – no one fixes Sirius until it either wears off, or Monday before class. Deal?”

Peter nods, as does Remus, laughing at Sirius’ betrayed look. James looks at Remus seriously. “Moony, you’re the weakest part of this plan. Don’t let him sucker you into helping him. I don’t care how many sexual favours he offers you.”

Remus sputters incoherently while Sirius smirks. Remus has the awful feeling that James had just given Sirius an idea.

“Right,” he manages to say.

* * *

The ‘Keep Sirius Black Silent’ plan was going way better than anyone thought. No one in Gryffindor tower paid attention to his written pleas, and everyone was enjoying the silence. It was rumoured that he had gone to McGonagall, who had reportedly said, “Speak up, Mr Black, how do you expect me to help you if you don’t tell me what’s wrong?”

Saturday night came and Sirius was still silent. James and Peter were having the time of their lives, but Remus was starting to falter. No one could pull off puppy dog eyes like real part time dog Sirius Black.

“Stop looking at me like that,” he says firmly. Sirius sticks his tongue out at him and then falls into bed beside Remus, an evil glint in his eye. Remus really, really hopes the curse wears off tomorrow. He doesn’t think he can take another night of wordless sex designed specifically to break him. 


	12. when we were on top of the world

“Isn’t this wonderful?”

“Sirius, you know how much I hate flying! No human should be this high.”

“Stop being such a whiner, I’m a great flyer.”

“You fell off your broom in the last Quidditch match.”

“I make sacrifices for the good of my team.”

“The bludger was nowhere near you.”  

Sirius makes an annoyed noise. “You’re way more important to me than a goddamn Quidditch game, Remus. I’m not going to let you fall.”

Remus purses his lips in shame and presses deeper into Sirius’ back. “I’m sorry. I trust you.” He kisses him on the shoulder and Sirius flies one handed momentarily to squeeze the hands around his waist.

“Okay, I think this might be high enough.”

“What are we trying to do?”

He can hear the glee in Sirius’ voice. “I want you to hold the record for highest flying werewolf!”

“Please tell me you’re joking.”

“Moony! This is a great opportunity!”

“There is no goddamn record for highest flying werewolf.”

“There is now.”

“Oh, I hate you. I hate you I hate you I hate you get me DOWN from here.”

Sirius cackles, the wind taking his laugh and carrying it away.

“Moony?”

“What.”

“I love you.”

Remus almost falls off the broom.


	13. when you were scared

“Will you marry me?”

Remus doesn’t even look up from his book. “Didn’t I tell you to stop drinking before exams?”

“I’m not drunk, Remus, I mean it.”

With a sigh Remus lifts his head to look at the boy in front of him. “We can’t get married.”

“Why not?”

“The same reason we can’t hold hands in the halls without getting hexed.”

“Fine, so we won’t be official, but we can still –”

“Why do you want to get married?”

“Because I love you.”

Will he ever get used to hearing that? Probably not.

“Why else do you want to get married?”

Sirius tries to look offended that Remus would doubt his intentions before giving it up and just saying, “I’m scared. Everything is falling to shit and people I know are dying and I want… I’m scared and I want to marry you.”

Remus gets up and climbs into bed next to Sirius. “Marrying me won’t make things less scary. Not least because we can’t.”

“It would make it more permanent. Like things will be okay.”

Remus has started rubbing circles on Sirius’ arm, a gesture that always calms him down. “I think we’re pretty permanent already.”

Sirius rests his head on Remus’ shoulder. “I know. I do too. I just… I don’t know. I’m scared,” he says again.

“So am I,” Remus admits. “But a fake marriage isn’t going to fix that.”

“It wouldn’t be fake.”

Remus kisses him gently. “You don’t have to be scared when I’m here,” he says. “What’s scarier than a giant wolf?”

Sirius shoves him and rolls his eyes. “Idiot,” he says, but he’s smiling. 


	14. while we were driving

“We’re going to die!”

“No we’re not.”

“Oh my god I’m going to die. I’m a goddamn werewolf but I’m going to die in a fucking _motorcycle accident.”_

“You’re so dramatic.”

“Sirius, please slow down. Please. If you love me – AHH.”

“Don’t worry, we missed her. I had the right of way, anyway.”

“I’M PRETTY SURE PEDESTRIANS ALMOST ALWAYS HAVE THE RIGHT OF WAY, SIRIUS.”

“There’s no need to shout, Moony.”

“I’m too young to die.”

“You’ve shut your eyes, haven’t you?”

“Yes.”

“So you didn’t see that then?”

“… What happened now.”

“Nothing, Moonshine. Just cuddle close to me until we get home.”

“God I hate you.”


	15. when you were crying

“It’s my fault, Remus. I killed them.”

The cave is cold and dirty and Sirius is crying. He is crying in a way Remus didn’t even know he could cry, loudly, unabashedly, for the whole world to hear. The hippogriff in the corner is eyeing them warily and Sirius is pressed tightly into him. Remus isn’t sure he’ll be able to let go again.

“It wasn’t you, Sirius.”

Sirius’ sobs are so loud he half expects to see Dementors swooping down, alerted by the cries of the world’s most wanted criminal. But he doesn’t quiet him. Sirius has been holding this in for thirteen years. He just runs his fingers as best he can through Sirius’ naughty hair and listens.

Eventually the sobs stop, but the tears don’t. Remus wonders if they ever will.

“I missed you, Remus,” he mutters. “More than you can know.”


	16. that made me feel like shit

“I thought it was you, you know.” Sirius’ voice is quiet.

“I know,” Remus says. They are in the cave again. Remus can clearly remember the day he woke up to find Sirius had left their apartment for good. The sting of that still hurts. The knowledge that after everything they’d been through, Sirius couldn’t trust him. And then, later, the knowledge, at that point thought to be true – that it had been Sirius after all.

Hearing him say it again stings.

“I’m sorry, Moony. Really I am.”

Remus forces a smile onto his face. “It’s okay, Pads. I forgave you a long time ago.”

“That doesn’t mean you’re not still upset.”

How easy it was to forget that Sirius knew him better than anyone.

He threads his fingers through Sirius’ and rests his head on Sirius’ shoulder. “It doesn’t matter anymore,” he says, and Sirius doesn’t disagree. No good will come from reliving those days.

Sirius presses a gentle kiss onto Remus’ forehead, and they fall asleep like that.


	17. with too many miles between us

“I used to talk to you, you know,” he says quietly one day. Remus looks over. They are in the cave, Sirius eating the food Remus manages to scrape together. He can barely feed himself – now he had a criminal and a hippogriff to take care of, too.

“When I was in Azkaban,” he continues. "It helped keep me sane. I would imagine that you knew I was innocent. I would talk to you as if you didn’t hate me. I would pretend you still loved me.”

 _I do,_ is what he wants to say, but he can’t seem to form the words. All he can do is stare at the man sitting beside him and remember the boy he used to be. None of this is fair.

He pulls Sirius to him gently. “I’m here now, Pads,” he says. Sirius buries himself into Remus’ chest and falls asleep.


	18. under the stars and in the grass

“I can’t remember the last time I was able to just lie and look at the stars.”

Remus is very aware of how close they are. “I hexed the hell out of this area. We’re safe.”

Sirius sighs as if he doesn’t quite believe him. “I don’t remember the last time I felt completely safe.”

Remus wants to touch him, but after so long he doesn’t remember how, and Sirius is poised to run, anyway.

So he says nothing.


	19. when you thought i was asleep

Sirius sleeps beside him now, because neither of them can sleep alone, and neither of them want to. Remus hasn’t kissed him yet, or maybe it’s Sirius that hasn’t kissed him yet. It doesn’t really matter – they are not sixteen. It is both of them who are cowards, now.

It is so, so silly, because both of them are waiting for the other to make a move, to show that of all of the things that had changed over 13 years, this hadn’t. But neither of them move.

One night he is pretending to be asleep when Sirius calls his name, but he’s too tired and sad and lonely so he doesn’t answer. Sirius sighs, a ghost of a man beside him.

“I miss you, Moony,” he whispers. “I wish I knew how to tell you.”

He is too old for this.

He rolls over and kisses him. 


	20. at the kitchen table

“Let’s have sex in front of my mother’s portrait.”

Remus looks up slowly from his breakfast, unsure if he had heard properly. “Excuse me?”

“Think of the fit she’d throw,” Sirius says, piling bacon into his mouth. Remus sighs.

“We’re not having sex in front of your mother’s portrait.”

“Why not?”

“Do I really have to explain?”

Sirius huffs. “You’re not nearly as kinky as you used to be.”

Remus nearly chokes on his toast. “Sirius!”

“What? It’s true.”

“I’m too old to be kinky. The only kinks I have are in my joints.”

“I can’t believe I’m in love with an old man.”

Remus smiles softly and Sirius leans across to kiss him. When they pull away he says, “I’m still not having sex in front of your mother’s portrait.”

“You are such a fucking spoil sport.”


	21. that i wish you hadn't

“I’m coming with you!”

“No, you’re not.”

“He’s my goddamn grandson, if he’s in trouble I’m going to help him, and you can’t stop me.”

“Sirius –”

“I’m coming.” He places a hand on Remus’ cheek and smiles, trying to smooth out the lines on Remus’ face with his thumb. “It’ll be okay.”

And then they leave for the Department of Mysteries. 


	22. after it was over

When it’s over, when he picks himself up off the floor, when there is no more liquid in his body to cry out, Dumbledore comes.

“He gave this to me months ago. Just in case,” is all he has to say, handing over an envelope. Remus takes it without a word and then throws it into the corner of the room.

It takes him almost a week to open it, because he knows what it is, but eventually the need for any kind of word from Sirius overwhelms him.

 _Moony:_ (the sight of Sirius’ messy scrawl almost feels like losing him again.)

 _Officially, everything I have was left to Harry, but anything you want is yours – somehow I doubt he’d mind. If that includes a bunch of my underwear, you great pervert, so be it._ (Remus almost smiles.)

_There is a key in this envelope that is for my Gringotts vault. Stop making that face._

(He does.)

_You can’t eat pride, you stupid twat. What’s mine has always and will always be yours. Use it, or I’ll come back and haunt you. You’ve probably been wearing those god awful tweed robes with all the patches in them for two weeks straight, haven’t you?_

(He has.)

_Don’t be too sad, Remus. We got a second chance, and how many people are lucky enough to get that?_

_I love you, Moony. I always have._

_Love your dazzling, beautiful, and charming Padfoot._

_P.S. If you end up falling in love with someone else, tell them that the horribly scary escaped convict Sirius Black was madly in love with you. It will score you cool points, and you need as many of those as possible. Trust me._

_P.P.S. I don’t actually mean that. I just want you to know that it’s okay to move on. I am confident in the knowledge that no one could possibly kiss as well as me._

(So was Remus.)

_P.P.P.S. I mean it about those fucking robes, Moony. They’re awful. Burn them for me, please._

_P.P.P.P.S. You’re getting annoyed at all these, aren’t you? I can just hear you, “Sirius why couldn’t you have just included all of this in the letter honestly.”_

_P.P.P.P.P.S. You’re giving me strange looks as I write this. I think I’m going to have to blow you quickly to stop you from being suspicious. Hold tight._

_P.P.P.P.P.P.S. Now I’m just doing this to annoy you._

_P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. In all seriousness (shut up) I don’t know if I’ll have said goodbye this time. We haven’t gotten to say goodbye at all. I’m sorry about that. So if I didn’t – goodbye, Remus. You were the best thing I’ve ever done. That wasn’t honestly meant to be a sex joke, but these things happen. What I mean is you were the best thing about me._

_I love you, idiot. Stop crying. I’m not worth it._

“You were worth everything,” he says quietly. 


End file.
